Friday, November 11, 2016

What If?

My name is Uatu, and I am The Watcher, the last of a line of supremely intelligent beings, sworn never to interfere in the occurences on other planets after a tragic accident. For eons I have observed the events not only in your universe, but in myriad alternate universes, and one event that has especially piqued my interest has been the recent campaign for the office of President of the United States that began when Donald John Trump, an outspoken real estate magnate and former television personality, announced his candidacy after making a few racist comments concerning the people of Mexico, continued when he frustrated and stymied the other Republican contenders, and reached its climax when he challenged, and ultimately defeated, Hillary Rodham Clinton, the wife of a former Democratic president and, at various points, a Senator representing the State of New York and the Secretary of State of the United States. From my vantage point on the Blue Area of the Moon, I often ponder what would happen if things didn't turn out the way they eventually did in your reality. What would happen had Clinton won the Presidency is a tale for another time, but, today, I present to you the case of one Steven Long Eisenpreis, who, for three years, has written a series of web logs, or "blogs," as they are more commonly known, on topics from current events to the world of sport. When Eisenpreis visited the city of Philadelphia, known as the Cradle of Liberty because it is where the American Declaration of Independence and Constitution were signed, he chanced to encounter an article of clothing that proclaimed, "MOVING TO CANADA! SEE YOU IN FOUR YEARS!" As Trump was a complete blowhard with no political experience, or so he thought, Eisenpreis was fascinated with the idea of moving should he win, and why not? Although America was where he was born and lived, Canada was also dedicated to the same ideas of freedom, a concept he was worried Trump would undermine. To make a long story short, Trump defeated Clinton in a surprise upset, but Eisenpreis changed his mind and decided to remain in America because his friends and the people and things he loved were there and there were many things about America that were better than Canada. But, dear friends, I submit the question, What would happen had Eisenpreis left the Stars and Stripes for the Maple Leaf in an attempt to escape possible tragedy?

WHAT IF...Steve Moved To Canada?  with apologies to Stan Lee who created the Watcher and Roy Thomas who gave him a home in Marvel's WHAT IF?

Steve's First Canadian Blog

HELLO WORLD! BONJOUR MONDE! Welcome to the very first ever Steve's Blog from the Dominion of Canada. I am speaking to you almost live from my palatial estate right across the street from the beautiful Rogers Centre in Toronto, the home of the Blue Jays and Argonauts, and the first retractable roof stadium in North America. Boy, it's a good thing I escaped that hosehead Trump, eh?
I have the pleasure of following a whole lot of excellent expatriates to the GTA (Greater Toronto Area), among them Katy Perry, Madonna, Cher, (She originally planned to move to Jupiter, but that wasn't on NASA's immediate to-do list.) Miley Cyrus, (Will she create a new alter ego named Hannah Manitoba?)and a living legend in her own right, Brooklyn's loss, Canada's gain, Barbra Streisand, ready to join such "Canajan" music superstars as Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Anne Murray,  Nickelback, and the one and only, late great Leonard Cohen. (Imagine all THAT talent on the stage at Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts!) And the country that gave the world Rich Little, Wayne and Shuster, SCTV, the Royal Canadian Air Farce, the Kids in the Hall, and other comedy legends (including this dude named Lorne Michaels who started a live comedy show that goes on every Saturday night, uh, what's it called?) has become the home of Jon Stewart and Amy Schumer, and I hope the True North, with its reputation for tolerance, is ready for Rev. Al Sharpton! New York may have Broadway, but Tronna has Mirvish Alley, named for Honest Ed Mirvish, the dollar store king, who saved the Royal Alexander Theater from the wrecking ball. Yeah, I know, "Give my regards to Mirvish Alley" doesn't have the same ring, but the Royal Alex, Princess of Wales, and Ford Theaters all have the same star power! Before I continue, I would like to send a shout-out to Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who now resides in New Zealand. If it gets too cold here, I might swing over to Pearson International Airport and take Air NZ over to your neighbourhood so we can play catch up! Another shout out goes to my fellow comic fans in the Big Apple. You may have all those Avengers and Justice League dudes, but WE have our very own super guy, Captain Canuck, who's been protecting Canada since 1975 under the creative aegis of Mr. Richard Comely, and X-Men artist John Byrne, a transplanted Brit, who gave us Alpha Flight, Canada's ambassadors to the Marvel Universe. Oh, the immigration process isn't exactly a cakewalk, and I feel some remorse rooting for the Leafs when they play the Rangers, the Jays when they take on the Yanks, or the Raptors when they play the Knicks, but, hey, I'd rather have a Prime Minister like Justin Trudeau than a President like Trump any day. Small price to pay, eh? And no, wise guys, the 90's did NOT wait till 1997 to come to Canada (As HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER claimed in the episode "Slap Bet") and yes, we ARE a real country, (Take that, SOUTH PARK!) and we've got some very talented people here! Matter of fact, I have an audition with TSN (The Sports Network, the Canadian ESPN affiliate) for the position of sideline reporter on Jays telecasts, so, I gotta bid you all adieu, but stop by soon and we'll warm up some bacon for you, eh?

G'day! (I know, it's better known as an Aussie phrase, but Doug and Bob used to say it all the time!)

What the Eisenpreis of this reality failed to take into account was the fact that Americans have never been known to back away from a fight, even if it concerns a man of dubious integrity such as the one they have just elected, as well as the probability of a new Prime Minister of similarly questionable integrity. Where would Eisenpreis go then? Would America welcome him back with open arms? That is also a story for another time. Fortunately, the Eisenpreis of your reality realizes that all he knows and loves is in America, which may not be perfect, but is, in the eyes of many, the greatest country on Earth. I, the Watcher, leave you with this admonition: Donald Trump IS the democratically elected President of the United States of America and deserves a chance. Will he prove worthy of the legacy of Washington, Kennedy and Lincoln? All I can do, all ANYONE can do is wait...and watch.

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