Monday, December 9, 2013

#85 Santa Steve's Naughty List

Before I kick off my first annual Naughty List, I would like to say "Feliz  Natal!" to our friends in Brazil and "Shengdan jie  kualia!" to our friends  in China. Welcome to  SteveNation!

As the year races to its conclusion,I would like to recognize this year's newsmakers, both the naughty and the nice. This blog will  make a donation in the name of the Nicest Newsmaker of the Year to a charity to be named later, but as for the Naughtiest, I would like to quote Mr. Willy Wonka:

"You get NOTHING!
Good DAY,SIR!"

DISHONORABLE MENTION The New York City Panhandler

Yeah, I know,we're supposed to help the  poor,but this is one instance when patronizing secondary sources (The Salvation Army or, in my case, Congregation Emanu-El of the City of New York's Sunday Lunch Program) beats going directly to the source. These people pop up on streets and subways and ask us for dimes and quarters so they can "get something to eat." A lot of them either are or claim to be (I vote for "claim to be.") Veterans. I keep hoping and praying for the day when I  hear one of them  say, "Excuse me, I'm a homeless food critic who got kicked out of every restaurant in Manhattan after I gave Le Cirque only one star. Can you  help me get a New York cut sirloin,  medium rare?" ORRRR, maybe they're just plain scam artists. Whatevs.  Next time you see one,  either walk on by or say no. (If you MUST say something other than no, whip  out your Zagat book or Guide Michelin and start throwing names at him. Unless he's a bonafide foodie,  he's going to run away faster than a speeding bullet. Works for me!) And stop asking us if we have a cigarette, Mr./Ms. Panhandler! Call 311 or 1-866-NY-QUITS for help in getting off those things!
I would also LOVE to hear one of those guys asking us for Nicorette!

Speaking of which, let's kick off the Bottom Ten Countdown with,


That's the name my friend Scott Shannon gave those glorified panhandlers who put on cheap, skanky costumes and pass themselves  off as Mickey and Minnie, Buzz Lightyear, Papa Smurf and Batman, and let me tell you, Nation, it fits them like the sub par gloves that cover their tip-grubbing hands. They've been known to get aggressive, often threatening groups such as the Girl Scouts and they've  even  been  known to TAKE THEIR HEADS  OFF  IN  PUBLIC! ON  TIMES SQUARE! Hey,F.A.'s, if you REALLY want to be these beloved  characters,  (A)  take  a legit theme  park job or  (B)  audition  for  a traveling  show  such as Disney On Ice  or  Disney Junior Live, and  remember,  DON'T TALK  IN YOUR OWN VOICE! (One  exception was the actor  who played Teenage  Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael  and  asked  me, in Raph's tough guy voice, "Aaaaay, How ya doin'?")People  know animal characters and characters such  as Buzz Lightyear and their unmistakable voices, and  the F.A.'s must be  doing  their best to  make  sure the  reps of Mickey, Minnie, SpongeBob and others are irreversibly damaged.One more thing, F.A.'s :THOSE  CHARACTERS ARE  COPYRIGHTED! Hope you've saved enough tip  money to pay off those lawsuits!


The first time  I saw the Jonas Brothers in concert was on the corner of 79th and Third. No,  they weren't singing for their supper like the performers on  subway platforms!  They had just inked a contract with  Columbia  Records  and Radio  Disney put on a free concert at the  Third Avenue  Street Fair.  This  was BEFORE they became superstars with the Mouse House,and even before that link was forged, I noticed they were  nice  guys, devoid  of the angst of the grunge acts and the bells and whistles  of the  arena acts.
Simply put, before they were  the JoBros, the JB's  and  the  Jonai, they were  Joe, Kevin Jr.and Nick,three  guys who  loved  their family,  their  fans,and  their music.Six years,  three TV shows, and  a veritable plethora  of albums,singles  and concerts  later,the Jonas  Brothers have been dissolved  (as an act)  and Joe has "interviewed himself"  for New York magazine saying that the whole nice guy image was fabricated by Disney (Mr.Nice Guy said  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!") and that Demi Lovato turned  him onto  pot. (TMI!) Hey, JoJo, you MUST be  high, because Papa  Kevin,  not Disney, made  you squeaky clean  nice guys,  nobody gives  a rat's  rear about your sex life,and we  couldn't care less about your pot habit. Such  things  are best discussed with therapists,  not in the  Court of  Public Opinion.


Johnny Torts WAS the Head  Coach  of the New York Rangers until they were bounced out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs by the Boston Bruins, thus ending a strike-shortened season that will go down in Ranger history as one of the all-time  worst. Good  luck with Vancouver, J.T. YOU'LL  NEED IT!


The 2013 Super  Bowl  was  SUPPOSED  to be a  testament to the resillience  of New Orleans  and its  people,  and for two quarters  and one handsomely-produced  Beyonce  halftime show,  it was, but early in the third quarter,  the  power  went  out in the  Mercedes-Benz Superdome, suspending  play and beginning  a  performance of  Theatre  of the Absurd,  starring CBS  Sports reporter Steve Tasker, who  signed on  as a sideline  reporter for the radio  network and  had to blabber  incoherently before tossing it to the NFL  Today crew  and THEIR  incoherent blabbering! (At  least this  made great material  for Charissa  Thompson  on ESPN SportsNation and the SNL gang!)

6. LUCKY 7

This drama, following the  adventures of  seven  friends who each shared  a  winning lottery ticket, was supposed  to capitalize on the country's LottoMania epidemic.  It only lasted two  episodes. How very UN-


The Audience-0.

4. MILEY CYRUS  (To  the tune  of "Best Of  Both Worlds" from  HANNAH  MONTANA)

She  had a  top  rated  show.
She was  Disney Channel's  Hannah  Montana.
But when  they told  her, "It's time to go,"
She  cut her hair and  went all  kinds  of bananas.
Who  would have thought that a girl like that,
Would turn into a twerkin' jerk?
It's  just the WORST IN THIS WORLD!
Without the  shades  and  the  wig,
Got a whole  'nother gig.
It's  just the WORST IN THIS WORLD!
Get your  act together,
'Cause you  know you're  just the  WORST IN  THIS WORLD!


When Alexander Emanuel Rodriguez arrived in the Bronx to assume the  hallowed  Yankee  pinstripes,  he was accepted by  fans and players  alike  as a  power hitter and  all-around nice guy. Unfortunately, Kryptonite for THIS  Superman was performance enhancing drugs, and  after Major League Baseball  conducted  a  conclusive investigation, this player who  likes to be called A-Rod was suspended. Goodbye and good riddance,  A-Roid!


The Mayor of Toronto  was  originally going to be my Number Two Naughtiest due to  his excessive drinking and drugging,  but he was  bumped  down by...


You know  the expression, "You  snooze, you lose?" Well,  Billy Boy "zoned  out" and thanks  to him, four innocent  riders of  his Metro-North Harlem Line  train lost their lives, many more were injured,  and the whole  sorry affair got the attention of the  National Transportation Safety Bureau!  As the late,great Soupy Sales  once opined,  "A good day's work  never hurt anybody, and neither did a good day's  rest!"


Actually, this award is SHARED by Borat and Borat,  (I  STILL refuse  to  dignify them  by saying their real  names!)  the Boston  Marathon   bombers. Fool US once, shame on you. Fool US  twice, not gonna happen!

NEXT: The Nice List!


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