Before I kick off my first annual Naughty List, I would like to say "Feliz Natal!" to our friends in Brazil and "Shengdan jie kualia!" to our friends in China. Welcome to SteveNation!
As the year races to its conclusion,I would like to recognize this year's newsmakers, both the naughty and the nice. This blog will make a donation in the name of the Nicest Newsmaker of the Year to a charity to be named later, but as for the Naughtiest, I would like to quote Mr. Willy Wonka:
"You get NOTHING!
DISHONORABLE MENTION The New York City Panhandler
Yeah, I know,we're supposed to help the poor,but this is one instance when patronizing secondary sources (The Salvation Army or, in my case, Congregation Emanu-El of the City of New York's Sunday Lunch Program) beats going directly to the source. These people pop up on streets and subways and ask us for dimes and quarters so they can "get something to eat." A lot of them either are or claim to be (I vote for "claim to be.") Veterans. I keep hoping and praying for the day when I hear one of them say, "Excuse me, I'm a homeless food critic who got kicked out of every restaurant in Manhattan after I gave Le Cirque only one star. Can you help me get a New York cut sirloin, medium rare?" ORRRR, maybe they're just plain scam artists. Whatevs. Next time you see one, either walk on by or say no. (If you MUST say something other than no, whip out your Zagat book or Guide Michelin and start throwing names at him. Unless he's a bonafide foodie, he's going to run away faster than a speeding bullet. Works for me!) And stop asking us if we have a cigarette, Mr./Ms. Panhandler! Call 311 or 1-866-NY-QUITS for help in getting off those things!
I would also LOVE to hear one of those guys asking us for Nicorette!
Speaking of which, let's kick off the Bottom Ten Countdown with,
10. THE FILTHY ANIMALS
That's the name my friend Scott Shannon gave those glorified panhandlers who put on cheap, skanky costumes and pass themselves off as Mickey and Minnie, Buzz Lightyear, Papa Smurf and Batman, and let me tell you, Nation, it fits them like the sub par gloves that cover their tip-grubbing hands. They've been known to get aggressive, often threatening groups such as the Girl Scouts and they've even been known to TAKE THEIR HEADS OFF IN PUBLIC! ON TIMES SQUARE! Hey,F.A.'s, if you REALLY want to be these beloved characters, (A) take a legit theme park job or (B) audition for a traveling show such as Disney On Ice or Disney Junior Live, and remember, DON'T TALK IN YOUR OWN VOICE! (One exception was the actor who played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael and asked me, in Raph's tough guy voice, "Aaaaay, How ya doin'?")People know animal characters and characters such as Buzz Lightyear and their unmistakable voices, and the F.A.'s must be doing their best to make sure the reps of Mickey, Minnie, SpongeBob and others are irreversibly damaged.One more thing, F.A.'s :THOSE CHARACTERS ARE COPYRIGHTED! Hope you've saved enough tip money to pay off those lawsuits!
The first time I saw the Jonas Brothers in concert was on the corner of 79th and Third. No, they weren't singing for their supper like the performers on subway platforms! They had just inked a contract with Columbia Records and Radio Disney put on a free concert at the Third Avenue Street Fair. This was BEFORE they became superstars with the Mouse House,and even before that link was forged, I noticed they were nice guys, devoid of the angst of the grunge acts and the bells and whistles of the arena acts.
Simply put, before they were the JoBros, the JB's and the Jonai, they were Joe, Kevin Jr.and Nick,three guys who loved their family, their fans,and their music.Six years, three TV shows, and a veritable plethora of albums,singles and concerts later,the Jonas Brothers have been dissolved (as an act) and Joe has "interviewed himself" for New York magazine saying that the whole nice guy image was fabricated by Disney (Mr.Nice Guy said WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!") and that Demi Lovato turned him onto pot. (TMI!) Hey, JoJo, you MUST be high, because Papa Kevin, not Disney, made you squeaky clean nice guys, nobody gives a rat's rear about your sex life,and we couldn't care less about your pot habit. Such things are best discussed with therapists, not in the Court of Public Opinion.
8. JOHN TORTORELLA
Johnny Torts WAS the Head Coach of the New York Rangers until they were bounced out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs by the Boston Bruins, thus ending a strike-shortened season that will go down in Ranger history as one of the all-time worst. Good luck with Vancouver, J.T. YOU'LL NEED IT!
7. THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS AND THE CBS SPORTS ANNOUNCE TEAM
The 2013 Super Bowl was SUPPOSED to be a testament to the resillience of New Orleans and its people, and for two quarters and one handsomely-produced Beyonce halftime show, it was, but early in the third quarter, the power went out in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, suspending play and beginning a performance of Theatre of the Absurd, starring CBS Sports reporter Steve Tasker, who signed on as a sideline reporter for the radio network and had to blabber incoherently before tossing it to the NFL Today crew and THEIR incoherent blabbering! (At least this made great material for Charissa Thompson on ESPN SportsNation and the SNL gang!)
6. LUCKY 7
This drama, following the adventures of seven friends who each shared a winning lottery ticket, was supposed to capitalize on the country's LottoMania epidemic. It only lasted two episodes. How very UN-
5. THE SMURFS 2
4. MILEY CYRUS (To the tune of "Best Of Both Worlds" from HANNAH MONTANA)
She had a top rated show.
She was Disney Channel's Hannah Montana.
But when they told her, "It's time to go,"
She cut her hair and went all kinds of bananas.
Who would have thought that a girl like that,
Would turn into a twerkin' jerk?
It's just the WORST IN THIS WORLD!
Without the shades and the wig,
Got a whole 'nother gig.
It's just the WORST IN THIS WORLD!
Get your act together,
'Cause you know you're just the WORST IN THIS WORLD!
3. ALEX RODRIGUEZ
When Alexander Emanuel Rodriguez arrived in the Bronx to assume the hallowed Yankee pinstripes, he was accepted by fans and players alike as a power hitter and all-around nice guy. Unfortunately, Kryptonite for THIS Superman was performance enhancing drugs, and after Major League Baseball conducted a conclusive investigation, this player who likes to be called A-Rod was suspended. Goodbye and good riddance, A-Roid!
DISHONORABLE MENTION Rob Ford
The Mayor of Toronto was originally going to be my Number Two Naughtiest due to his excessive drinking and drugging, but he was bumped down by...
2. WILLIAM ROCKEFELLER
You know the expression, "You snooze, you lose?" Well, Billy Boy "zoned out" and thanks to him, four innocent riders of his Metro-North Harlem Line train lost their lives, many more were injured, and the whole sorry affair got the attention of the National Transportation Safety Bureau! As the late,great Soupy Sales once opined, "A good day's work never hurt anybody, and neither did a good day's rest!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE NAUGHTIEST NEWSMAKER OF 2013 IS...
Actually, this award is SHARED by Borat and Borat, (I STILL refuse to dignify them by saying their real names!) the Boston Marathon bombers. Fool US once, shame on you. Fool US twice, not gonna happen!
NEXT: The Nice List!