Saturday, August 10, 2013

Weekend Update

Before we go any further, Welkom terug Nederland! (Welcome back,Netherlands!)



On behalf of my fellow Americans, I would like to apologise for the abysmal remake of THE LONE RANGER galloping into cinemas throughout the UK this weekend. We know you loved HOW THE WEST WAS WON, SHANE,HIGH NOON, and other Western favourites and they made your hearts skip a beat.
I love the studio that made this fiasco in spite of everything, but I can understand if it the only feeling it gives you is Disney spells!

I would also like to apologise for New York City mayoral candidate Anthony D. Weiner and his conduct towards ITV reporter Lucy Watson during which he mocked her accent while she was trying to interview him. Maybe on his next hols in London he should visit the Tower. On second thought, he should move in! You can check out any time you like...actually, you can't! (That part about "never leaving" also holds true for the Tower!)

I once had the pleasure to visit the editorial offices of DOCTOR WHO MAGAZINE and meet the  talented people entrusted with the mythology of the egnimatic time traveller known only as the Doctor, so it is my happy duty to congratulate Scot Peter Capaldi on becoming the new Doctor. (I'm still not the only one who hopes the next Doctor will be played by either Helen Mirren or Emma Watson, or, better yet, James Marsden, who, after years of portraying fantasy characters, would be an ideal choice for the American Doctor that we Yank Whovians have demanded for the longest time! For the record, Marsden is solely MY idea.)

If anybody finds the real Tiger Woods, could you please direct him to Oak Hill Country Club in Rochester, NY? His impostor is tied for 39th at the PGA Championship. At least a rain delay is a win in his book!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ENGLISH CRICKETEERS? Australia made the English side feel like a one-legged man at a bum-kicking competition at the fourth Ashes Test at Chester-le-Street. My advice? Hide their entire supply of Vegemite!

As I was telling my other readers on Wednesday, football is drowning in a sea of negativity! One example is Liverpool FC whiz kid Raheem Sterling who arrived in court Thursday over an alleged assault on his beauty queen girlfriend on her birthday. He pled not guilty and will appear again at Liverpool Magistrates Court on 20 September. We need less stories like this and more stories of strikers who leave it all on the pitch!

Finally, I had the pleasure to spend my 4th of July hols at Hershey, PA, "The Sweetest Place on Earth," which was founded by master confectioner and world traveller Milton S. Hershey. Chocoholics, rejoice, for Nestle are relaunching the Wonka Bar brand with "deliciously imagined" new flavours. I don't know what M.S. would say, but Roald Dahl, author of the original book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and creator of Willy Wonka, wouldn't say anything. His mouth would be full of the new Wonka Bar!

That's all for now, but I'll be back on Wednesday!


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